Funny Stuff…

This one is hilarious…DON’T TAKE ME SHOPPING!

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN’T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips  to Target.  Unfortunately, like most men, I found hopping boring  and preferred to get in and get out.  Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.  Yesterday my dear wife  received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion  in our store.  We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.  Our complaints against your  husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at  5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to  the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares.  Get on it right away’.  This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance,  causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the  children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’    EMTs were called.

9. . September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he  asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed  through, yelled ‘PICK ME!  PICK ME!’

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO!  IT’S THOSE VOICES  AGAIN!’

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited  awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey!  There’s no toilet paper in here.’  One of the clerks passed out.

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There’s an old sea story in the Navy about a ship’s Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the Chief Boson’s Mate that his men smelled bad.

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The Chief responded, “Aye, aye sir, I’ll see to it immediately!”

The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, “The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.

“Pittman, you change with Jones; McCarthy, you change with Witkowski; and Brown, you change with Schultz.  Now get to it!!!”

THE MORAL:
Someone may be promising “Change” in Washington; but don’t count on things smelling any better!

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Dog-Tweets

Found this today and thought it was appropriate...and FUNNY!

Found this today and thought it was appropriate...and FUNNY!

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VERY INTERESTING STUFF

In the 1400’s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have ‘the rule of thumb’

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Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled ‘Gentlemen Only…Ladies Forbidden’…and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

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Coca-Cola was originally green.

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It is impossible to lick your elbow.

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Three sisters…

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night
the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells
to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She
starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to
her sisters She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that
forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both

of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.’

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What happens when you reach 50 (or so)…

LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES: 
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering
wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.
The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says. 'She

got in the back-seat by mistake.’

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You just got to read this Police Report from the Jacksonville Police Dept.  Got this today from one of the other chaplains from the Spartanburg Sheriffs office…

A True Story from the Jacksonville, Fl., Police
Dept
..

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink.
His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from party, the police pull him
over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the man to stay put, they
will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to
drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door..
They ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she  replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver’s license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage.  She opens the door. There sitting in the garage  is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.

True story: Told by the driver at his first AA meeting.

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